PTSD

The Lord chooses to reveal a little at a time.

This last revelation was a little mind-blowing.

I have PTSD.

Now, I'm not quick to self-diagnose. In fact, I'm leery of naming any disease, disorder, or odd happenstance without a professional opinion. I don't trust my own perceptions or knowledge base enough for that. All this to say, I have not been officially diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The other day, I was talking with a friend and asking her what PTSD looks like in her own life. She began explaining it and listed off characteristics that manifest themselves physically, emotionally, socially, etc. Nearly everything she mentioned were conditions I had previously identified in myself, not realizing how they all fit together.

PTSD is a type of anxiety disorder that lingers longer than one month. It is triggered by an overwhelming life experience which seems chaotic. Unpredictable. Uncontrollable. Capricious. Unstable. Ungovernable.

Yep, mhmm.

The symptoms have been organized into three main categories

1. Re-experiencing the traumatic event

• Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
• Flashbacks
• Nightmares
• Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma
• Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)

2. Avoidance and numbing

• Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma
• Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
• Loss of interest in activities and life in general
• Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb
• Sense of a limited future

3. Increased anxiety and emotional arousal

• Difficulty falling or staying asleep
• Irritability or outbursts of anger
• Difficulty concentrating
• Hypervigilance
• Feeling jumpy and easily startled

And a few others:

• Anger and irritability
• Feelings of mistrust and betrayal
• Feeling alienated and alone
• Depression and hopelessness

Yep, mhmm. I've experienced all of these. Granted, in various measure, but nonetheless, I've experienced them. Often, wondering if I was crazy. Like, legitimately crazy. None of it made sense or seemed to fit together. I felt like I should be over it, like I should've been able to kick this by now.

Grace upon grace. The Lord unfogged the window just a little more to give me a clearer glimpse into my heart.