Therapy

I find myself in yet another post-Lausanne funk. I understand it a little bit better this time, and for that I'm incredibly thankful. It hasn't taken me by complete surprise, I have a category in my mind to help me deal with it, and I have hope because Jesus brought me out once before and he will do it again.

This time it isn't quite as dramatic... yet. I'm still hot-and-cold; one minute I'm happy as a clam, and the next I'm angry, irritable, and impatient. I can't predict when my mood is going to radically swing from one extreme to the other. I want to cry a lot. Sometimes I just want to scream (and that is so not the Whitney Waldemar I know). And yet, other times, I'm completely emotionless; my mind is blank. It is this bizarre puzzle piece that scares me most; not being able to think or feel emotion is downright frightening.

My therapy for all this junk comes in three forms:

2 Corinthians.

• 1:3-5 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."
• 4:8-10 "We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies."
• 4:16-17 "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison."
• 6:8b-10 "We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything."

My mama. Seriously, I could not ask for a better woman in my life, guiding me, talking with me, and pointing me to Jesus. Talking it out with her always gives me clarity.

Brooke Fraser's album Albertine. This was the music I listened to on repeat in Africa. I fell asleep each night listening to it. I cried listening to it. I got ready in the morning listening to it. When I came home and was trying to figure out who I was and, in all honesty, what the heck happened in Cape Town, I listened to it. I did homework and prepared for exams listening to it. I cried listening to it. And now, I do my homework listening to it. I cry listening to it. The combination of angst and truth is powerful. Here are some of the words with which I have been identifying and in which I find hope:

"If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared"

--C.S. Lewis Song

"There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful"

--Faithful

"If to distant lands I scatter
If I sail to farthest seas
Would you find and firm and gather 'til I only dwell in Thee?
If I flee from greenest pastures
Would you leave to look for me?
Forfeit glory to come after
'Til I only dwell in Thee

If my heart has one ambition
If my soul one goal to seek
This my solitary vision 'til I only dwell in Thee
That I only dwell in Thee
'Til I only dwell in Thee"

--Hymn

"Love, where is your fire? I've been sitting here smoking away
Making signals with sticks and odd ends and bits, still there's no sign of a flame
Impostors have been passing, offering a good-feeling glow
But I'm holding out for what you are about - an inferno that burns to the bone
Some urge me to be temperate, lukewarm will never do"

--Love, Where is your Fire

I'm fighting to struggle well. I want to live in a way that is sorrowful, yet always rejoicing. I'm praying for more grace.