My mind is still reeling, trying desperately to categorize and make sense of this past week. My emotions are conflicted. I feel anxious. I feel thankful. I feel scared. I feel comforted.
Why? Well, it all began the week before leaving for Chicago and the Gospel Coalition. It hit me all of the sudden - this conference was going to be striking similar to Lausanne.
I started freaking out. With each day, the anxiety mounted until Monday morning as we were boarding the buses, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. The feel of the early morning was so similar to the early mornings in South Africa. I was terrified that the pain would return.
I cried. My dad prayed for me. I climbed onto the bus. I gritted it out.
After a while, I was able to put the fears behind me and enjoy my friends and the excitement of returning to the wonderful city of Chicago. Honestly, I was able to nearly forget. Until Monday evening when I walked into the main ballroom where the plenary sessions were to be held.
At the first sight of the expansive room and countless empty seats, my heart started racing. I felt sick to my stomach. My eyes grew to three times their normal size, I'm sure. This room looked identical to the plenary hall at Lausanne. This was far worse than I imagined.
For the rest of the week, I was all over the place. At times, I was perfectly fine; happy, content, enjoying the people and the work. Then something would spark a memory, and I was in tears again. Can you say 'exhausting'?
This all culminated in Wednesday night. I walked into the plenary hall again, this time with Julie by my side. [Sidenote: her presence, as well as that of Mama and Papa Kresge, was so comforting - like having my own family there]. I held Julie's hand while we listened to Matt Chandler. My mind was ping-ponging between paying attention, and freaking out because of the memories in the plenary hall. I made it through the session, but knew that I needed to force myself to sit through the Getty concert. I needed to redeem what was lost; heal what was broken. I needed to cry and know that I was being held by my Father and that he would never let go.
And so I did. I sat. I sang. I listened. I sobbed. [Like, out-of-control, can't-catch-your-breath, sobbing]. It was simultaneously the most painful and healing experience of the week. And, can I just say thank goodness for Katie Fischer! She sat with me and spoke truth to me until I regained composure. She gave me exactly what I needed - pure gospel.
The rest of the conference went by quickly, and before I knew it, I was on the bus back to Minneapolis - processing like mad.
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This is all background for the next post. If this doesn't make much sense, I understand. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, either:) The Lord is gracious in giving me more clarity, little by little, but by no means do I have a clear picture of what happened or is happening in my mind and my life. And I'm learning to be ok with that.
Next up, I aim to share how I'm dealing with it. I hope that it will be the encouraging counterpart to this post. And this is only possible because we have a God and a gospel that brings hope to the darkness of our sin, lives, situations, pain, etc. Praise Jesus!
